I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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