Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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