It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I can't turn off my feet"
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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