i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
