your parents love me but you hate me
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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