The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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