Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
