peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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