remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
