I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
He is an equal opportunity slut.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
