Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
