sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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