I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
