He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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