Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Someone shattered a urinal.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Randomize
