I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
