She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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