im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
