I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
