Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
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