And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
