I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
