if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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