k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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