I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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