I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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