it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I just cut my nipple shaving
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
