Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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