wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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