i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
