you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
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