Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
