If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
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