we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
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