Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
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