apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize