I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
