Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Randomize
