Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
It's official drugs can't kill me
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
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