The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
