she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize