i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Randomize
