We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
