I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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