my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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