Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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