I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
