Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
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