I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
