can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
