maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
