On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Randomize
