Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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