I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
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