I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
can u get pink eye on your cock?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
