I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
