Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
