I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
