hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
