I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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