So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize