tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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