Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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